Love's Possibilities and the Possibility of Love

I've been kind of down on love lately and I think it's because people (including me) do a lot of dumb things when they are in love.  We become new people and we do or say things that we would never when we are a single, normal, unit.  Over the past 7 months there have probably been three to four dozen things I wish I could take back.  In fact, there are probably three dozen things per month I wish I could take back!

But, I can't.  And that is the weird, twisted magic of love.  When I look back, I have no idea how I got here but I know I want to get as far away from here as possible.  Never to fall in love again, because I rather like having my mind where it is sound and my emotions where I can control them.  The funny thing is, love is so fun in the beginning.  It's new, it's fresh, it's full of possibilities.  Then somewhere along the way you get to point B, you have no idea how you got there, and you don't have any solution as how to get out.

Then love is not fun.  Love is work.  And for that unknown amount of time, love is hard work.  Who would have ever thought in a million years that love is work?!  I mean, come on!  Love should be natural, fancy-free, right?  No.  Not at all.  Because somewhere along the way, no matter what kind of love you have, if you want to keep it, you have to fight for it and work hard at it.  [And, if the other party in this love tango does not want to work hard at it anymore, enter dumb comments and doing dumb things...]

And so I'm stuck at point B, have no idea what or how to get to point C, and I'm seriously questioning, if at all, where it all ends?  I'm no expert on love, sometimes I wish I was, but then my love life would be completely artificial.  If there's one thing I love about love, it's not knowing, the spontaneity and the random interactions and connections couples make.  The path from there can go anywhere, and that is exciting.

Love is a mystery; in its unpredictable nature, all we can do is fall and hold on for dear life.

The Things That Heal Us

Life is a crazy ride. Sometimes I wish this ride would end peacefully in my sleep tomorrow night. I say tomorrow, cuz there is still so much I want to do today (so, I'm grateful for all the "today's" I still get.) From my first heart aches to my present heart ache, I always thought it would get easier. I've been through this routine a few times, but I guess not enough to be expert on the quick recovery. I've learned, however, that there are a few things that heal:

1) Ben Folds...don't ask me why, but Ben Folds rocks my heart-broken-world! He just makes me feel better.

2) Christmas commercials...but not the peanut M&M one; that one is just weird. I'm talking about the Halmark and Sarah Lee commercials.

3) Strangely enough, Meth commercials...because at least I'm doing something right, I'm not screwing up my life with substance abuse.

4) Running...I live to run, I run to live. Sometimes I feel like running is the only thing I can do right.

5) Looking up lyrics from my favorite songs on the internet...and speaking of the internet, I've had some of my greatest times on YOUTUBE and quoting lines with friends and sisters.

6) Family...if it weren't for my parents, my siblings, my brother-in-law, and roommates, I'd be a train wreck waiting to happen right now.

7) Humor...I wrote a 15-page paper my sophomore year about how humor makes everyone feel better from those with mild depression to those with cancer. Humor heals (I've got the references from research studies done to support this.)

7b) Jim Carrey...Hilarious.

8) Not eating...and eating. Let me explain. My appetite has literally flown out the window. It's incognito. So, when I do eat, the food is damn good. Because I already don't feel hungry, whatever I do put in my mouth has to taste really good for me to be able to keep eating.

9) Writing...an infamous writer once said that in order to define yourself, search your soul and write, write, and write until you find yourself over and over again.

One day at a time, Maxi. One day at a time.

Untitiled

Isn't it funny how some things turn out? You think you are going down one path, you tell God, "Hey there, I got this one figured out. These are my plans. Thanks for being here for me, but I think I got this one." And you smile as you close your prayer to Heavenly Father, but he's smiling too, and for some of us he might crack a giggle or break into a full out laugh. I bet He's got one hell of a contagious laugh.

We don't know what we're doing, we just sometimes do things because it feels right. I never expected things to end up this way, but they did. I wished they would have panned out a little more different, but I can't blame anyone but myself for getting into this situation.

So, I'm staying out here in Idaho Falls because it feels right. Really, for no other reason than it feels right right now. And honestly, how many people can say they got rehired because the company was desperate?! That's a sign, right? But seriously, how many graduates can say they have a sweet job the day after graduation?

Life will be different from here on out. I will be a different person (hopefully better, and growing) because of the next year's experiences. My plans? Well, since I'm pretty sure my previous plans were the ones that were able to make Heavenly Father laugh, I've decided to be an instrument in God's hands. Not quite sure how to do that, but I'll just start out by working hard and trying every day to live the Golden Rule. I'll try to be a little better this year than I was last. I'm ready to let go of that big circle thing on the boat that is used to turn the boat, and let Him steer me.

This Time I'll Take it Slow

I have been in every mind set, in every mood, and around every corner in my mind over the past three months. It's funny how changes in life can cause so much stress and anxiety. I'm already a liability waiting to happen, all I need is one more change to push me over the edge! I've decided to revisit some of the advice I've received and learned the most from.

1) Life is a marathon, not a 200 yard dash. My Dad gave me this advice, and I have to remind myself nearly everyday that I don't have to do it all today. I don't have to solve every problem, fix every broken thing, or figure out all life's secrets. I have a long time to do everything, and I need to learn patience. God knows, I need to learn patience.

2) What are we here for if it is not to make life easier on each other? Sister Hinckley wrote this in a letter or a book and I think it is marvelous. We all to often, and me especially, get caught up in thinking "me, me, ME!" and instead we should be looking for the things we could be doing for others. Really, when we all get together and put all our problems on the table, we all take a good look around, and end up taking our problems right back. We can handle what we're going through, we wouldn't trade problems with anyone else, but we can help those others.

3) Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. Robert Collier, a sweet-ace runner, said this. It works for long-distance runners, but it also works with everything in life. If you want to succeed in anything, you work at it day in and day out. You don't take a day off (well, outside of running!) you work hard and don't lose sight of the prize.

4) If I were two-faced, would I really be wearing this one? Oh, Abraham Lincoln! We all need to have good senses of humor and be able to laugh at ourselves! Enough said....well, and he said these great lines as well:
- I will prepare, and someday my chance will come. (SO GOOD!)
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. (So true, I need to work on this one. I've said quite a few dumb things before thinking...)
- Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. (Again, so true.)

5) Have you decided what you're going to do when you graduate yet? How are your toe nails? My mom wrote this all in one text message! This was during a time when I had no idea what I was going to do when I graduated (ahem, last week!) But, I literally smiled and laughed to myself because here I was, making the biggest decision of my short adult life (so far) and my mom just put things in perspective. Sometimes with big decisions we feel like we're going to lose something, or this is it, this is the end. That's not the case. No matter what we decide in life, the world still turns. We still need to eat breakfast the next morning, the trash needs to be taken out, we need to see the foot doctor about a bruised toe nail that might fall off from too much running.

With huge, life-changing decisions, we need to remember that our world won't come to an end when we make a choice. We (meaning I) just need to commit to the decision, don't look back, and buckle my seat belt for the ride! That new path ahead of me, the one that, if nothing else, will yield to heaps of life experiences. And that, that will make all the difference! (Robert Frost)

Fashion magazines really promote hot and modern trends?

I have found that the fashion industry is very interesting. I'm not sure what is fashionable and what is disgusting because some of the outfits on the runway today look like what a third-grade girl would throw on for school. There are tons of patterns, clashing colors, and belts with everything. So, when I wear tennis shoes (my cute hot pink Nike Cortez) with a cute white skirt and a fun top, I don't see how that is stepping outside of the box (me, hinting to a few sisters who question my style!) These days, you could walk into a local D.I or Goodwill and pick up practically any four or five articles of clothing and pull them off as fashionable. It really feels like the uglier the clothes, the more hip and trendy. Go ahead and find a floral blouse with black-leafed accents, a cat-embroidered vest (maybe with touches of actual fur on it), a neon yellow, black, orange, and red plaid skirt (tweed, of course), and top it off with a pair of adorable navy kitten heels or black pumps. The rules of fashion are....well, I'm not sure there are any rules. Just go with what your style is, and if that cat-embroidered vest happens to have a "Chanel" logo, than it's definitely fashionable. And as long as the knee high boots with crocodile print and the bells on the back strap are Prada, they are hot. No other questions asked.

Economy 101

I don't really get how the world works. It's a wonder to me that people eat every day let alone sleep at night with this flailing economy. I always figured it was like calories and losing weight; calories in and calories out, that's how you solved that problem. Well, in the economy it's like losing debt; money in and money out. I suppose some day we won't really use the monetary system anymore and we'll all go back to trading and bartering. What my neighbor can offer me compared what I can offer my neighbor. If I were teaching Economy 101, I would tell students to just ban money today. Quit going to the banks. Invest any money you have now into a nice home garden, maybe even save a couple hundred under your matress for emergencies. Just like in the 1930's. I would advise them to learn how to sew...then again knowing how to sew is one thing. Being able to afford the sewing machine, fabric, and other materials, is another thing and doesn't do much good if you don't have money to buy it....but oh yeah, I just advised all the students to have home gardens so they could trade peas and corn for fleece and thread. The only other thing I've heard that is sure to boost our economy, is BUY, BUY, BUY. In order to be a contributing American I've decided to BUY. It doesn't matter what, just BUY. So, I bought "Nacho Libre" for $4, Horkley's 44 oz. soda every Wednesday, I go golfing twice a week, I blew $11.50 at the dollar store, online shopping counts, right?, and every time a new candy bar comes out, I pick up a few to test them out. How do I afford all this mindless spending, you ask? Three words: Paid Plasma Donations. Donating plasma is like my cool, fulfilling, part-time job. It's cool because you get paid in cash every time you go.  It's fulfilling because apparently (and ask a doctor for more serious/accurate details) plasma saves lives...lots of lives. It's like a blood donation or an IV of liquids and protein. Basically my plasma money is my fun money. Donating plasma does more than save lives, it supports the economy. Here is a place where you go put in your 4-6 hours per week, walk out with $60-CASH- and because cash seems to burn holes in American's pockets, it is spent faster than an informercial can add, "But wait, call in the next 10 minutes and we'll throw in 3 free SHAM WOWS!!!" (ps I seriously need to start going to bed before 2 am, because the only thing that's stopping me from buying a SHAM WOW is my lack of credit card possession!)

Beginning Bowling (ESS 131)

Don't let the title fool you. This class is very hard for most all inexperienced bowlers. I don't know whether it was my approach practice without a ball, or the fact that the teacher gave me Men's size 10 bowling shoes (I guess he took one look at my feet and thought they were large enough to upgrade me to the Men's department) but I genuinely stink at bowling. Day 4, he finally let us use balls with our approach so the embarrassment of bowling "ghost style" was out of the way. However, the lingering evidence of a bad bowler hung in the air with gutter after gutter after 2-pins knocked down after gutter ball! (Mind you, these were all my shots. My team is actually decent!) So, the teacher has all these "practice drills" on the side that are meant to help people who can't bowl good (me). Example: stand against the wall and swing your bowling arm back and forth along the wall so you get used to the plane you are to swing on. I won't tell you how dorky this looks...or how dorky one feels! The best part of this class is that he'll have us all sit down here and there and proceed to give us tips and pointers on how to become better bowlers. Right behind the alley (which is in one of the school buildings) is the new, and still being improved, bookstore. For some reason, they like to hammer, saw, drill, and everything in between during that hour. I swear it's like a funny cartoon where important information is being relayed, but no one can hear because the semi-truck is passing by or the helicopter flies overhead! I was cracking up because here, this teacher who already has a soft voice, is talking away and all I can hear are the drills and hammering behind me. I see his lips moving, but I don't catch a single word (except I could read his lips say turkey, and the kid next to me had to explain.) I'm going to blame my sorry skills on the premise that I can't hear the advice on fundamentals. I guess he'll just have to keep sending me to the wall for a while!