Monday, April 28, 2008

Week In Review

Though it is a Tuesday, it has in fact been a long week since my little sister went back to Idaho with her boyfriend. I thought it would suck for a long time, but after the first three or four days, I think we'll both be okay. We're trying to start a book club; I picked the first read: "You Are SO Not Invited to My Batmitzvah!" We'll probably try to dive a little deeper as the summer carries on.

I started work again, and for the next five months will be faxing, scanning, stuffing and licking envelopes, and driving two kids around to all their activities (tennis, some smart math camp, tae kwon doe, etc., etc.) I tried to teach my dad how to play Guitar Hero, and it hasn't been as successful as I'd hoped. I'll continue to work on that. Speaking of Guitar Hero, I might need to take it easy for the next few days because every time someone is blessing the food and I close my eyes, all I see are little blue, red, yellow, and green dots streaking across a stage in the formation of "Cary on Wayward Son" by Kansas.

I got a birdie for the first time this season at a par 3 course-awesome. I finally went out on a date with a boy I've had a crush on for a decade (though I think it's a dead end; however, Dad always says, "It's not one strike and he's out. It's three strikes. You need to give him [whoever "him" is at the time] a few more chances.") Oh, and I think I'm in love with a dozen new guys....nothing new, I know, but quite exciting.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Runner's High

Sometimes it's harder to find Him and I really have to keep searching. My last day at school this semester I woke up at 5 am and ran to my favorite hill that meets a vast potato field, barely beating the sun. As it rose I found Him again. I'm pretty sure He mainly dwells in nature, far from the city. I turned off my ipod and there was this incredible silence. The air was as quiet as it was crisp and I thought I could stay there all day. The only thing that brought me back was the frost bite growing over my body. I feel His presence most in the quiet solitude of long runs, through trees, around lakes, past fields, along mountains. This is when I feel and I wish I could run forever. I don't want to go home and put up my shoes. I don't want the sounds of birds chirping to be replaced by rush hour. I don't want to leave the enlightenment and inspiration I get, only to return to the "To-do" lists and problems of the world. I just want to run and run and run, until I collapse in His arms. I know He will never forget me, and while I think I will just meet Him again tomorrow, He actually never leaves me even when I leave the trails.

Monday, April 7, 2008

A Crack Went Off in My Head

My brain physically hurt today after Cognition. I swear, the more this class has gone on, the less we talk about psychology and the more about philosophy. If psychology wants to be a real science, this class is no indication of the domain going down the right path. It was like someone was throwing little fire crackers off in my head. What is reality? Is your reality the same as mine? Can you observe the law of gravity? No, you can observe the EFFECTS of gravity, but no, not at all the LAW of gravity. I could hear a fissure from my brain combust till my jaw dropped. Not the surprised drop; more the "I've been watching t.v for hours" jaw drop and too paralyzed to close my mouth. It got better: "Does God govern our natural laws? Or does he have to obey the natural laws?" Trust me, you may think you have it figured out; but, whatever you say, someone's coming back with fire. The devil's advocate, knocking at your front door, to make you see with new glasses and question everything you've ever learned or believed.

I tried to make a few comments, stay with the discussion, until my injured brain went back to freshmen year when psychology was rats pressing levers for rewards; personality assessments (and the ability to analyze my roommates' personalities); invalidity of Freudian concepts and interperting dreams to everything sexual just because they were so outlandish and much funnier that way. The deeper I dive into my major, the more I see psychology is just the sister to her older brother, philosophy.

I wanted to raise my hand once some question about the day when computers outsmart humans will be, and ask, "WHO CARES!" (and then add, "no, that's impossible" but I didn't have energy left in me to lead the discussion down that path.) I want to know the most effecient way to help people! How do we help our neighbors get over their deep bouts of depression? How do I help my best friend sleep at night and get rid of her anxiety? How do I help a loved one get over his OCD and Bipolar disorder so he can live a normal (what is normal?...) life?

I got into psychology to help people from the inside out. I don't want to sit on a rock on a high mountain and ponder if the rock I'm sitting on is real or if it's a figment of my imagination. And then is my imagination my subjective reality, just like yours is yours? Let's not go there. Let's just try to make each other's lives easier. I should have stuck with math...or geology...or education...or maybe I will just be a flight attendant after all, and analyze passangers based on what drink they order from the complimentary in-flight beverage cart.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

The Context of a Tear

People cry for all sorts of reasons: a break up, a broken ankle, a death, a birth, a bad day. I never thought that crying can have so many different meanings. I was watching a paid programming about starving children around the globe and I wanted to help, but all I could do was cry. These two little boys had nothing and one was full of tears. It never occurred to me that you could cry because you haven’t eaten in days, maybe a week, and all you wanted was a slice of bread, or a string of cheese. The older brother buttoned up the younger brother’s shirt, maybe the only shirt he owned. A poor and homeless brother helping his younger brother look his best, regardless of their circumstance, the small act of love, and I bawled.

The dilemma is you want to help. You want to help everyone in your reach, everyone out of your reach, just everyone who cries or suffers. But you feel helpless because no matter how hard you try or how many people you do reach, you’ll never reach them all. You can’t help everyone, and that is discouraging. So, where do you start? Who do you try to help first? How do you know if you really made a difference?

I can only think that we all have to start somewhere. We may only touch one single life. But who knows? Maybe that one life was a woman who will be the root of generations. Maybe a wealthy tourist or two will see you volunteering in a Romanian orphanage and want to follow your example. Maybe you have to take baby steps, a smile or a hug here, pick up liter there, perform small acts of kindness, etc. I don’t know, but it never hurt to start somewhere.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Worst April Fool's Day EVER!

I got the usual text messages yesterday: "I'm engaged!" "I'm pregnant!" "I'm on my way to Rexburg to come see you!" and then the culprit, my sister, raised my blood pressure to an all time high with, "I'm going to the Suns vs. Nuggets game tonight!" I immediately surfed the wedbsite for information about the Suns schedule, as I knew they had just played in Denver March 5th. It was NO April Fool's....she really went to the game. I can't believe I missed seeing Nash in Denver twice in a little over a month's time. What are the odds? I'll be home in less than 10 days. Really, here I am in the butt crack of Idaho while my (I wish) boyfriend was in my home town last night. A-gain, what are the odds?!

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