Monday, December 29, 2008

Love's Possibilities and the Possibility of Love

I've been kind of down on love lately and I think it's because people (including me) do a lot of dumb things when they are in love.  We become new people and we do or say things that we would never when we are a single, normal, unit.  Over the past 7 months there have probably been three to four dozen things I wish I could take back.  In fact, there are probably three dozen things per month I wish I could take back!

But, I can't.  And that is the weird, twisted magic of love.  When I look back, I have no idea how I got here but I know I want to get as far away from here as possible.  Never to fall in love again, because I rather like having my mind where it is sound and my emotions where I can control them.  The funny thing is, love is so fun in the beginning.  It's new, it's fresh, it's full of possibilities.  Then somewhere along the way you get to point B, you have no idea how you got there, and you don't have any solution as how to get out.

Then love is not fun.  Love is work.  And for that unknown amount of time, love is hard work.  Who would have ever thought in a million years that love is work?!  I mean, come on!  Love should be natural, fancy-free, right?  No.  Not at all.  Because somewhere along the way, no matter what kind of love you have, if you want to keep it, you have to fight for it and work hard at it.  [And, if the other party in this love tango does not want to work hard at it anymore, enter dumb comments and doing dumb things...]

And so I'm stuck at point B, have no idea what or how to get to point C, and I'm seriously questioning, if at all, where it all ends?  I'm no expert on love, sometimes I wish I was, but then my love life would be completely artificial.  If there's one thing I love about love, it's not knowing, the spontaneity and the random interactions and connections couples make.  The path from there can go anywhere, and that is exciting.

Love is a mystery; in its unpredictable nature, all we can do is fall and hold on for dear life.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Things That Heal Us

Life is a crazy ride. Sometimes I wish this ride would end peacefully in my sleep tomorrow night. I say tomorrow, cuz there is still so much I want to do today (so, I'm grateful for all the "today's" I still get.) From my first heart aches to my present heart ache, I always thought it would get easier. I've been through this routine a few times, but I guess not enough to be expert on the quick recovery. I've learned, however, that there are a few things that heal:

1) Ben Folds...don't ask me why, but Ben Folds rocks my heart-broken-world! He just makes me feel better.

2) Christmas commercials...but not the peanut M&M one; that one is just weird. I'm talking about the Halmark and Sarah Lee commercials.

3) Strangely enough, Meth commercials...because at least I'm doing something right, I'm not screwing up my life with substance abuse.

4) Running...I live to run, I run to live. Sometimes I feel like running is the only thing I can do right.

5) Looking up lyrics from my favorite songs on the internet...and speaking of the internet, I've had some of my greatest times on YOUTUBE and quoting lines with friends and sisters.

6) Family...if it weren't for my parents, my siblings, my brother-in-law, and roommates, I'd be a train wreck waiting to happen right now.

7) Humor...I wrote a 15-page paper my sophomore year about how humor makes everyone feel better from those with mild depression to those with cancer. Humor heals (I've got the references from research studies done to support this.)

7b) Jim Carrey...Hilarious.

8) Not eating...and eating. Let me explain. My appetite has literally flown out the window. It's incognito. So, when I do eat, the food is damn good. Because I already don't feel hungry, whatever I do put in my mouth has to taste really good for me to be able to keep eating.

9) infamous writer once said that in order to define yourself, search your soul and write, write, and write until you find yourself over and over again.

One day at a time, Maxi. One day at a time.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Isn't it funny how some things turn out? You think you are going down one path, you tell God, "Hey there, I got this one figured out. These are my plans. Thanks for being here for me, but I think I got this one." And you smile as you close your prayer to Heavenly Father, but he's smiling too, and for some of us he might crack a giggle or break into a full out laugh. I bet He's got one hell of a contagious laugh.

We don't know what we're doing, we just sometimes do things because it feels right. I never expected things to end up this way, but they did. I wished they would have panned out a little more different, but I can't blame anyone but myself for getting into this situation.

So, I'm staying out here in Idaho Falls because it feels right. Really, for no other reason than it feels right right now. And honestly, how many people can say they got rehired because the company was desperate?! That's a sign, right? But seriously, how many graduates can say they have a sweet job the day after graduation?

Life will be different from here on out. I will be a different person (hopefully better, and growing) because of the next year's experiences. My plans? Well, since I'm pretty sure my previous plans were the ones that were able to make Heavenly Father laugh, I've decided to be an instrument in God's hands. Not quite sure how to do that, but I'll just start out by working hard and trying every day to live the Golden Rule. I'll try to be a little better this year than I was last. I'm ready to let go of that big circle thing on the boat that is used to turn the boat, and let Him steer me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

This Time I'll Take it Slow

I have been in every mind set, in every mood, and around every corner in my mind over the past three months. It's funny how changes in life can cause so much stress and anxiety. I'm already a liability waiting to happen, all I need is one more change to push me over the edge! I've decided to revisit some of the advice I've received and learned the most from.

1) Life is a marathon, not a 200 yard dash. My Dad gave me this advice, and I have to remind myself nearly everyday that I don't have to do it all today. I don't have to solve every problem, fix every broken thing, or figure out all life's secrets. I have a long time to do everything, and I need to learn patience. God knows, I need to learn patience.

2) What are we here for if it is not to make life easier on each other? Sister Hinckley wrote this in a letter or a book and I think it is marvelous. We all to often, and me especially, get caught up in thinking "me, me, ME!" and instead we should be looking for the things we could be doing for others. Really, when we all get together and put all our problems on the table, we all take a good look around, and end up taking our problems right back. We can handle what we're going through, we wouldn't trade problems with anyone else, but we can help those others.

3) Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. Robert Collier, a sweet-ace runner, said this. It works for long-distance runners, but it also works with everything in life. If you want to succeed in anything, you work at it day in and day out. You don't take a day off (well, outside of running!) you work hard and don't lose sight of the prize.

4) If I were two-faced, would I really be wearing this one? Oh, Abraham Lincoln! We all need to have good senses of humor and be able to laugh at ourselves! Enough said....well, and he said these great lines as well:
- I will prepare, and someday my chance will come. (SO GOOD!)
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. (So true, I need to work on this one. I've said quite a few dumb things before thinking...)
- Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. (Again, so true.)

5) Have you decided what you're going to do when you graduate yet? How are your toe nails? My mom wrote this all in one text message! This was during a time when I had no idea what I was going to do when I graduated (ahem, last week!) But, I literally smiled and laughed to myself because here I was, making the biggest decision of my short adult life (so far) and my mom just put things in perspective. Sometimes with big decisions we feel like we're going to lose something, or this is it, this is the end. That's not the case. No matter what we decide in life, the world still turns. We still need to eat breakfast the next morning, the trash needs to be taken out, we need to see the foot doctor about a bruised toe nail that might fall off from too much running.

With huge, life-changing decisions, we need to remember that our world won't come to an end when we make a choice. We (meaning I) just need to commit to the decision, don't look back, and buckle my seat belt for the ride! That new path ahead of me, the one that, if nothing else, will yield to heaps of life experiences. And that, that will make all the difference! (Robert Frost)

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